Life lessons at Hogwarts
by scorbus always
Summary: Dumbledore tells Snape and McGonagall about his plans to teach the students at Hogwarts certain important lessons that are not yet a part of wizard education. They are horrified. JK Rowling owns Harry Potter and all its characters.
1. Dumbledore's idea - Snape

Snape knocked on the door of Dumbledore's office. It magically opened.

'Come in, Severus,' said Dumbledore. 'Minerva and I were just discussing something that has recently taken place in the Muggle world.'

The door closed behind Snape. 'And why would that concern us, Headmaster?' asked Snape.

Dumbledore raised his wand, but Snape put up a hand and conjured a chair for himself. It was wooden and hard-backed. Snape had had all too much experience of Dumbledore's ridiculous chintz armchairs. They were much too comfortable for Snape, who like to be in as much pain as possible.

'Well, Severus, I think that the Muggle Prime Minister's idea is very good,' said Dumbledore. 'He wants school children to be taught valuable life lessons.'

Snape nodded. 'Lessons in what, may I ask?'

'Albus, this is a ridiculous idea,' put in Professor McGonagall. Her face was coated in a thin layer of sweat and her usually tight bun was falling down.

'Severus, the lessons-'

'Albus, please stop!'

'The-'

McGonagall leapt out of her chair, her wand clattering to the floor, and pounced onto Dumbledore, slapping her hand over his mouth and some of his beard. An invisible force pulled McGonagall off, and Dumbledore bellowed, 'SEX!'

McGonagall dropped to the floor.

'Headmaster, I think I heard you wrong, could you repeat that please?' asked Snape, trying to steady his breathing.

'The lessons are to educate children in sexual matters, including things such as consent, sexually transmitted diseases and contraception,' said Dumbledore.

McGonagall got off the floor. She was shaking. 'Albus, the whole idea makes no sense! Who would teach this anyway?'

'Well, I was hoping you two would help me to teach it.'

There was a silence apart from the noise of the contents of two people's stomach's rising and being forced back down again.

'Well, if that's it I have business to be attending to,' said Dumbledore, clapping his hands together and striding out of his office.

Snape and McGonagall didn't speak.

 **Please review and tell me what you think!**


	2. Masturbation Conversation - Dumbledore

'Well, Minerva, Severus, I thought the first thing we need to mention is masturbation,' said Dumbledore cheerfully, to the horrified faces of his colleagues.

Dumbledore had summoned Snape and McGonagall to his office again to plan the first sexual education lesson for the Hogwarts students. Unfortunately, they weren't as into it as Dumbledore.

'Because,' Dumbledore continued, 'a lot of young wizards and witches aren't taught much about this topic, even by their own parents, because it's considered taboo. Many children and adolescents feel guilty and ashamed of this behaviour.'

Professor McGonagall's face was bright red. 'Albus, what year group of students are you planning to teach these lessons to? I fear that this subject may not be appropriate for all students.'

'Well, Professor, as our older students have probably found out a lot of information about sex already I think it would be more useful to start with the first-years.'

McGonagall's expression grew even more worried. She glared at Snape. 'What do you think of this idea?'

'If the Headmaster would not mind hearing my views, I find this a completely inappropriate thing to teach such young children. Eleven-year-olds do not need to be taught this. We'll have letters pouring in from angry parents the next morning.' Snape shook his head.

'Hmm,' Dumbledore mused. 'But we've always received angry letters from parents, and we still continued to teach the subject whether they liked it or not. And may I ask, Snape, in what way is informing children about their own bodies "inappropriate"?'

Both Snape and McGonagall drew in deep breaths. They didn't look any calmer, though. 'With all due respect, Headmaster, eleven-year-olds are playing with Sneakoscopes and sneaking Chocolate Frogs into lessons, not thinking about touching their private parts,' said Snape angrily. 'Telling them about this sort of thing will only disgust them - they are much too young.'

'Is that so?' Dumbledore was confused. When he was eleven years old, all he did was fantasise about stripping the boy who slept in the bed next to him naked and kissing every inch of his ripped, sexy body. And as for masturbation, that had started long before he had even got his Hogwarts letter. 'I suppose the younger generation really are very different to us. I mastered the Silencio charm in my first year.'

'Sir, we already know of your extreme intelligence-' but Snape was cut off by something that would scar him for life.

'Severus, I spend hours every day trying to perfect it so my poor roommates didn't have to hear my loud moans late at night. I find it quite hard to stop myself from gasping while masturbating - it makes me so out of breath.' Dumbledore grinned, remembering how he struggled to keep in the moans in at home before he'd gone to Hogwarts and learnt the spell. 'I sometimes think I should have become a porn star.'

Looking repulsed, McGonagall stood up. 'Albus, we did not need to know that. Really, what has got into you these last few days?'

Dumbledore was eager to explain. 'Well Minerva, I read an article in a Muggle magazine about sexual freedom, and I found myself agreeing with everything it said. I will tell you both more about it later. I apologise for going off the topic, please let us continue to plan the sex lesson together. Do sit down, Minerva.'

McGonagall sighed and took a seat. Pleased with this, Dumbledore continued with his idea.

'I think we need to teach children that touching their bodies is completely fine, whatever their gender or age, as long as they do it in private as carrying out all the necessary hygiene requirements. It is also vital that we explain to them that no one should pressure them into performing any form of sexual act. Children need to feel that they are in charge of their bodies and have the right to do what they please to it.'

The other two teachers were quiet. Dumbledore hoped they weren't too angry with him. Then Snape spoke.

'Headmaster, may I ask a question?'

'You may indeed,' said Dumbledore, curious about what Snape would ask.

'Are we going to teach these lessons with all the children together, or separated into a male and female class?'

Dumbledore had thought hard about this, but he still wasn't sure which option would be better. If they had separate classes, the boys wouldn't learn much about the girls and vice versa. But if the children were put together, Dumbledore was afraid that the girls especially might be too shy to ask questions. 'What do you think? And Professor McGonagall?'

McGonagall smoothed her robes. 'I would like to suggest that we teach the children the facts about...this topic...with both sexes together, so that they have a general knowledge about the opposite sex as well as their own. However, we should have an additional session later with me teaching the girls and you and Severus teaching the boys. In that session, the children can ask questions about, er, this topic. And of course, we should tell them that they are free to come and speak to us in private if they wish.'

Snape did not look too pleased with this. 'If any children come to my office asking me questions of a sexual nature, I will turn them away before they even knock.'

'Perhaps, Severus,' said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling, 'this is due to your lack of sexual knowledge rather than your unwillingness to talk to students?'

This elicited a gasp from McGonagall. 'Of course not,' muttered Snape. 'I don't want first-years asking me for my favourite masturbation techniques.'

'But you have many techniques?' questioned Dumbeldore.

The intensity of Snape's glare increased. 'That is none of your business, Professor.'

Poor McGonagall looked like she was choking, so Dumbledore stopped questioning Snape for the time being.

'I have bought a few of these books called _Teaching Kids About Sex_ , I thought you could read these to widen your knowledge and understanding to be able to answer the student's questions better.' Dumbledore passed them both a copy. 'Please read these and we can have another meeting next week to discuss what we will teach the children.'

McGonagall stood. 'Thank you, Professor. I'm sure this will be an...illuminating...book.'

Snape nodded, and they both walked out of Dumbledore's office as Fawkes burst into flames.


	3. Sex Q&A with the girls - McGonagall

Professors McGonagall was not looking forward to give sexual education to almost of all the first-year girls at Hogwarts.

She'd already taught the more general version to both genders last week, along with Dumbledore. Snape had been there too, but McGonagall didn't count him, as he'd spent most of the session playing with his wand (oh no, everything was starting to sound dirty now).

This lesson would be much more detailed, with the opportunity for the girls to ask questions - questions which Professor McGonagall hadn't prepared an answer to.

She dreaded to think what would happen if someone asked a question and she had no idea what to reply. McGonagall hoped dearly that the book Dumbledore had lent her had enough information to answer the students' questions.

###

Dressed in her usual attire of green robes, Professor McGonagall entered the classroom where she usually taught Transfiguration. Today would be a much more different lesson that what she usually taught. She sat down at her desk and quickly skimmed over the important chapters of _Teaching Kids About Sex_ for a few minutes.

It was 2:55. The lesson was meant to start at 3:00. Taking a deep breath, McGonagall opened the classroom door to find a line of girls waiting outside, chatting in groups.

'You may enter girls,' she announced. McGonagall held the door open so they could file in. 'Sit down where you like.'

After a few minutes, everyone had settled down. Professor McGonagall made her way to the front of the room and pulled out a small plastic basket and some scraps of parchment.

'Girls, you know why you are here today. Today's sexual education session will give you the chance to ask anonymous questions about anything related to sex, puberty, dating, or anything else you can think of. I'm going to hand you all a piece of parchment for you to write an anonymous question.'

McGonagall started to hand out the parchment. 'I would like you to all write down at least one questions, as I'm sure you'll all have at least one thing you want to ask. Please don't be shy.'

After a few minutes of passing the basket of parchment around, every girl had a sheet.

'I will give you five minutes to write down at least one question.' Professor McGonagall released a deep breath. This wasn't too bad.

Finally, she went round again to collect up all the bits of parchment. 'I will select questions at random and do my best to answer them.'

McGonagall extracted the first question. _Does sex always make you bleed the first time?_ it read. McGonagall drew in a sharp breath. Was this really a worry for a first-year girl?

'The first question is - ' and she read it out, word for word, exactly as it was written.

A vast proportion of the girls gasped audibly. The professor maintained her always calm outward appearance.

'Girls, bleeding during the first time you have sexual intercourse will not always happen, and can be a sign that you're not fully...lubricated.'

Many girls looked horrified at this choice of vocabulary.

'So, no, sexual intercourse does not always make you bleed, however some women do bleed a bit, but it is probably nothing to worry about. If you are in pain during sex you should stop - sex is not meant to be a painful experience. Whether or not it is your first time having sex, you should not be bleeding litres of blood afterwards. If you are ever concerned about your sexual health you can always visit your Healer.' McGonagall hoped her answer was good enough.

The professor withdrew the next question. _What is a blowjob?_ it read.

McGonagall was shooketh to the core. Yet she read out the question in a calm voice. Again, girls gasped.

'A _blowjob_ refers to when a man is giving oral sex, that is, his penis is sucked.'

A group of girls giggled. McGonagall ignored it, as it wasn't loud enough to be disturbing others. And she was feeling pretty scandalised herself. She pulled out another slip of parchment from the basket. _Does losing your virginity make you bleed?_

Merlin! A lot of first-year girls seemed to be worried about sex being painful. The professor briefly wondered if boys worried as much about sex, before pulling out another piece of paper. It read _Are some vaginas too small for penises? I am worried because I don't think my vagina will be big enough._

McGonagall had had enough. She just wanted to go to bed and drink her tea, but she knew it was her duty to answer this question. So she read it out clearly so all the girls could hear it.

Again, the same group of girls doubled over with laughter. McGonagall paced at the front of the room, trying to think of a good answer.

'I highly doubt this will be an issue for you. Once you are sufficiently lubricated it should probably not be a problem. However, if you are worried I would advise you to see your Healer, or Madam Pomfrey.'

Next question. 'How do you know if you're a lesbian?' the professor read from her slip of paper. This was a tricky one, as McGonagall had no personal experience on the subject.

'A lesbian is sexually attracted to women and not men. However, sometimes, especially as adolescents, heterosexual people have crushes on or experience sexual attraction to wards the same sex. Homosexuals may also experience these feelings towards people the opposite sex. This means it can be confusing for people your age to figure out their sexual orientation.'

McGonagall looked around the classroom, studying the girls' reactions. Most looked nonchalant, looking down at their nails or staring into the distance, but she suspected they were paying more attention to this question than they showed.

'I would say that you have plenty of time to figure this out. You may be bisexual, which means you are sexually attracted to both boys and girls, or even pansexual, which means you are attracted to all sexes of people, or you may be heterosexual, like the majority of people. Whatever you are, please do not feel pressure to know your sexuality at such a young age. I'm sure some of you girls haven't even thought about kissing yet. It's okay to not know what sex you are attracted to at this age.'

The girls looked bit happier now. They were definitely paying attention.

Professor McGonagall read out the next question. 'I am eleven years old, and I think I have a very high sex drive. Is this normal? I thought only teenagers were sexual. I think about sex at night and masturbate six times a week, which makes me worry that I have an excessive interest in sex.'

The group of laughing girls had turned red from giggling now. McGonagall tried to suppress her own blushing.

'Firstly, I would like to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with this. Having sexual feelings at this age is okay, and not weird. "Teenager" refers to someone between the ages of 13 and 19, and is not very biological, unlike "adolescent", which refers to a young person who is developing from a child into an adult. So while you are not a teenager, you are probably an adolescent, as you seem to be going through puberty. Therefore it is natural and right that you have sexual feelings. Unless there is more that you haven't mentioned in your question, you do not have an excessive interest in sex. Masturbating six times a week is not excessive at all, as long as you aren't spending hours and hours each time.'

McGonagall closed her eyes for a few seconds, trying to visualise the page on _Teaching Kids About Sex_ that had the perfect answer to this question. 'In fact, not so long ago girls would have babies at your age, so it's really not strange that you are experiencing sexual feelings at this age.'

Some girls looked horrified and freaked out. What had she done wrong?

'But that doesn't mean it is bad for you to _not_ be feeling sexual desires at this age. That's fine too. You are all at different stages in your development. What I must add is the only thing you should do with these sexual desires is masturbate. Having sex - and this includes all kinds of sexual acts, including oral sex, as well as sexual intercourse - at this young age would be highly inadvisable. I cannot imagine that any eleven year old in this school would be ready for sex.'

The bell rang just as the professor was drawing out another slip of paper. She put the basket on her table and turned to face the first-years. 'Thank you for attending, girls. I hope this talk was beneficial for you.'

McGonagall moved to the door to chivvy the girls off to their next lesson.


End file.
